The Attachment Style Series: Secure Attachment Style

4 min read

After last week's introduction, we are starting our journey to dive into the different attachment styles by taking a closer look at Secure Attachment.

What is Secure Attachment?

Secure Attachment is the type of Attachment we all strive for. You can take the Attachment Style Quiz every few months and see the percentages change. Ideally, the more you heal over time, the bigger the percentage of “Secure Attachment” will get.

Having a predominantly Secure Attachment Style means that you are not avoidant and not very anxious. You are okay and comfortable with intimacy and aren’t too worried about being rejected.

I want to mention here that nobody is ever 100% secure. Being anxious, getting worried about what other people think, not wanting to be rejected - these are all very human things and you can’t get rid of them completely (sorry). The goal is not to never feel insecure again, the goal is to learn to accept the natural feelings as they arise (and learn how to healthily cope with them) and at the same time noticing the irrational reactions that might stem from a core belief / traumatic experience and healing to the point where these triggers stabilize.

What are the characteristics of Secure Attachment?

The characteristics of Secure Attachment are the following:

• You can depend on a partner, while also allowing them to depend on you.
• You’re available for your partner in times of need.
• You are comfortable in a loving and emotionally close relationship
• You are forgiving, trusting, tolerant (of differences), and empathic
• You accept your partner’s need for alone time without getting the feeling of rejection or feeling threatened.
• You can be close and independent
• You can communicate your needs and emotions openly
• You do not avoid conflict
• You are in tune to your partner’s needs and respond to them lovingly
• You practice forgiveness and try to gain insight from past relationships and times you got hurt
• You manage your emotions well
• As a parent, you are caring, warm and sensitive. You respond to your child’s needs and your children are also securely attached.

What if Secure Attachment is my predominant Attachment Style?

If that is the case, that’s awesome! Having a predominantly secure attachment style is the key to a balanced and healthy life!

Ways to get more secure:

• Become more mindful and conscious about your thoughts, triggers, and emotional reactions. Check out this post to learn how to cope with that!
• Reflect on the worst things that have happened to you in the past, and see what they taught you and how they changed you for the better
• When feeling insecure, try to pinpoint what is causing it. Think of your attachment style and if that might have something to do with it. Awareness is the first step to change.
• Work on Self-Love. It sounds cheesy, but self-love really is the basis of everything. And by that, I don’t mean just bubble baths and face-masks, but truly take the time to work on yourself. The more you are comfortable with yourself, your emotions, and your shadows, the more you can embrace them and feel less insecure!

Work with what you have

Even if you are predominantly secure in your attachment, there will be days where life feels overwhelming, and that's okay.

If you don't resonate with secure attachment at all, that's okay, too! By becoming more aware of your reactions and emotions, you will start to heal.

The more you heal, the healthier your relationships will be in the future!

Look out for the next posts on how to heal and grow from the other types of attachment styles!

Sending love